I am uncertain. Of the future and present and of the next breath I'm gonna take. It's the start of the new year and I'm uncertain wether I'll make it till next, or turn into dust. Although I'm not even sure if dust is what I'll become. I am sure of nothing. More confused about myself than I could ever be. I just wish I knew which direction I should point my feet, if I could only get back on them. I'm a mess. Scattered in my own mind like leaves blown by the wind, away from the place they began existing. Because I am just existing, I'm not living. But I wish I was, I wish my life was yellow and pink. I wish I understood things, understood myself, understood my purpose. Because I don't want to live in misery and I don't want to die in it either. I just need a sign to point me in the right direction, so I can stop existing, and start living.

A month has passed, and every second of it dragged. December has become the longest month of my life. 31 days stretched out into an infinity of nothing. Because nothing is what I feel, and when I feel something, i regret feeling anything at all. Because it pains me. It shatters me into a million fucking puzzle pieces that don't fit together. So you force them into places where they don't belong and end up with something ugly, something foolish. Because I'm such a fucking fool. I'm a clown for being so hung up on someone who has no consideration for anyone but himself. I wonder sometimes is this karma? Didn't I get enough karma in my life. Do i really have to sink lower than the lowest to pay for how I've handled love the past? Why doesn't karma come back to you? I need a break from fuckboys and assholes and direct my attention to someone that cares. but who cares? 

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. 

I feel like everyday the torture in my head just gets worse and worse and I feel lonelier, and sadder and uglier, and purely defeated. I'm losing the battle inside my head and no amount of therapy or medication will ever make me happy. 

I don't if it's possible to make me happy at this point. I wish I could just give up and let it all go sometimes but then I look at my mom, my dad, my brother and I just know I can't do it to them. 

Everyday I just tell myself; just a few more days, just a few more weeks, a few more years and I'll be better. I want to be better, I want to be happy. 

I'm just so empty. 

The bad thing about having the best day in your life is that everything that comes after will never compare. For 12 hours of my life I was really happy and it was the best 12 hours I ever spent doing anything. Now, everything that follows reminds me of how sad everything else is and how my life will never get back to that primal point ever again. What's the point in everything else now that you have already experienced the best thing that could happen to you. You might as well die now and die happy instead of living with the emptiness that comes after. 

The pain of letting go.

Sometimes, you just need to let go of the things you think would make you happy, to actually be happy. Let go of people, memories, places, love. 

After a battle that lasted years, I finally decided to let go, and this is my last letter for you, to tell you that you meant a lot to me, and there will always be a special place in my heart for you.

Dear M,

On the day of your birthday I give you peace. 

The years you spent loving me, waiting for me. I am sorry for those. I am sorry for only realising it after you've let go. See, the thing about love is that you don't know when it will hit you. And you've shown me nothing but love since the day we met that summer 4 years ago. 

I could never figure it out myself. I've grown up now though and it's easier to know what I want now. When I told you I loved you on skype, I meant it, I just didn't know it yet. My decisions were impulsive, I was stupid, bouncing off anyone who showed me the tiniest bit of attention and not realising how much I've hurt others in the process.

When we kissed this summer, it was everything I waited for. I spent nights wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Wondering if what I felt for you was real or not. But when you walked me home that night, our fingers twisted together, covered in dirt. When we both had a little too much to drink and when it finally happened, That was it. 

But suddenly, you've had less time to spend with me, suddenly you got busy with your life. Suddenly you graduated. Suddenly wasn't so sudden for you, because when I was here worrying about my life and what would happen to me, you've lived your own. And I apologise for only noticing now, how selfish I was. 

This summer was the last straw for us, I believe. After I left, I wrote letters, I called, I messaged. And I couldn't accept the thought that maybe you just don't love me anymore. Maybe you got tired of waiting for me and decided that it's time to do something for yourself. And you've made the right choice, because M, I don't deserve you. You are full of love and compassion and you may not believe in yourself like I do, but you can really do great things in life, without me there. 

I don't know why I didn't make my mind up sooner. Maybe it's better for you that I didn't because you'll be a better person without me. You'll find someone who will love you as you are, someone who won't make you wait and you will mean the world to them like you did to me when I didn't see it. 

Thank you. Thank you for getting high with me for the first time. Thank you for those days we spent at the beach, and thank you for those camp fire conversations, thank you for loving me for this long, thank you for believing in me when I did my exams, thank you for skyping me for hours when I had depression and missed home. Thank you for being you. 

I'm sorry, no amount of sorries will ever make this right but I will forever be sorry for how I treated you. But I will not bother you again. I won't call or write. It's time for me to move on too and live with the decisions I made. We will find our happiness someday. 

Goodbye and much love, 

V.