The pain of letting go.

Sometimes, you just need to let go of the things you think would make you happy, to actually be happy. Let go of people, memories, places, love. 

After a battle that lasted years, I finally decided to let go, and this is my last letter for you, to tell you that you meant a lot to me, and there will always be a special place in my heart for you.

Dear M,

On the day of your birthday I give you peace. 

The years you spent loving me, waiting for me. I am sorry for those. I am sorry for only realising it after you've let go. See, the thing about love is that you don't know when it will hit you. And you've shown me nothing but love since the day we met that summer 4 years ago. 

I could never figure it out myself. I've grown up now though and it's easier to know what I want now. When I told you I loved you on skype, I meant it, I just didn't know it yet. My decisions were impulsive, I was stupid, bouncing off anyone who showed me the tiniest bit of attention and not realising how much I've hurt others in the process.

When we kissed this summer, it was everything I waited for. I spent nights wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Wondering if what I felt for you was real or not. But when you walked me home that night, our fingers twisted together, covered in dirt. When we both had a little too much to drink and when it finally happened, That was it. 

But suddenly, you've had less time to spend with me, suddenly you got busy with your life. Suddenly you graduated. Suddenly wasn't so sudden for you, because when I was here worrying about my life and what would happen to me, you've lived your own. And I apologise for only noticing now, how selfish I was. 

This summer was the last straw for us, I believe. After I left, I wrote letters, I called, I messaged. And I couldn't accept the thought that maybe you just don't love me anymore. Maybe you got tired of waiting for me and decided that it's time to do something for yourself. And you've made the right choice, because M, I don't deserve you. You are full of love and compassion and you may not believe in yourself like I do, but you can really do great things in life, without me there. 

I don't know why I didn't make my mind up sooner. Maybe it's better for you that I didn't because you'll be a better person without me. You'll find someone who will love you as you are, someone who won't make you wait and you will mean the world to them like you did to me when I didn't see it. 

Thank you. Thank you for getting high with me for the first time. Thank you for those days we spent at the beach, and thank you for those camp fire conversations, thank you for loving me for this long, thank you for believing in me when I did my exams, thank you for skyping me for hours when I had depression and missed home. Thank you for being you. 

I'm sorry, no amount of sorries will ever make this right but I will forever be sorry for how I treated you. But I will not bother you again. I won't call or write. It's time for me to move on too and live with the decisions I made. We will find our happiness someday. 

Goodbye and much love, 

V.